I love this.

"If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it. We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there. There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in. And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places. And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your "avoid being alone principals". The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings. Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it. You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay. It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach. And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it. you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it If your heart is bleeding make the best of it There is heat in freezing, be a testament."

A poem by Tanya Davis.

Regaining focus

I woke up one morning last week and realized that I had lost the focus of my journey to happiness. Not that I was unhappy, but that my focus had wavered and I hadn't been working daily to achieve what I've set out to achieve. So in an attempt to regain my focus, I'm going to mark this as a milestone, commend myself for having the courage and strength to continue my journey, make an affirmation to work harder and more diligently, and review what I have already accomplished.

My original goal (rewritten so it's pertinent today):

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life. This is my journey of changing my life to become the woman I've always wanted to be. Welcome to day [162].

My goals are to lose [100] pounds; live a healthy and active life; become the sister, daughter, aunt and friend my loved ones deserve; become the partner I seek and become the best version of me I can possibly be.

I am gluten intolerant and part of my healthy lifestyle will be to [continue to] remain on a 100% gluten free [and dairy free] diet. Eeep!

To accomplish these goals I will eat healthy and be active, improve my self image and self esteem, be inspiring, be thoughtful and knowledgeable, learn to be patient and fair, learn to forgive and forget, learn to let go, pursue my goals and fulfill my dreams, love to the fullest, laugh often and live an amazing life."

I wish to:

Read more
Create
Pursue knowledge
Heal
Enjoy the simple things
Meditate
Be happy often
Say yes more often
Dance more often
Expand my horizons
Create a legacy
Make the best of things
Join the Peace Corps.
Improve my friendships and relationships
Graduate college
Teach and inspire someone
Deliver a baby
Worship my body
Expand my vocabulary
Improve my posture
Stress less
Give more
Cherish my friends and family
Cherish my mother
Live life to the fullest
Never give up
Travel the world

I had originally planned to cross off the things I have already accomplished, but have realized that this is not a "bucket list" - it isn't a list of things to accomplish and cross off before I die. This is my list of things I hope to embody for the rest of my life, so I will continue to strive to do all of these things everyday for the rest of my life.

My chapter on sprituality is on its way in. I'm so excited!!

La fin de l'ete

Summer is coming to a close and it was a good one.

I'm not sure if my perspective is changing, if I'm just complacent or if I'm really just happier but I didn't spend as much time as I'd planned out by the pool but I'm completely satisfied with my tan and my level of relaxation.

In short, I did everything that one should do over summer:

I got everything done on my honey-do list (without a honey, might I add), took a few trips, ate popsicles, got an A in one of my summer classes, spent some time being stressed &busy, spent some time relaxed &doing nothing, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight again, changed my hair color, got dressed up, made goals, achieved goals, laughed, cried, got sick, got better again, took 3 road trips, and most importantly I spent good quality time with my friends and family.

Wedding bells

So this wedding is quickly approching and I'm getting more and more excited by the day. It should be a relaxing road trip and a great time celebrating the love my brother has found. :) I'm so proud of him! He has grown so much in the past year and he will only continue to become a better man as time goes on.

I ordered my bridesmaid dress 6 weeks ago and it fit perfectly! Very flattering and I feel so sexy in it! I picked it up last week and tried it on and it looked positively horrible. Literally, a potato sack on my new and improved body. I made my alterations appointment and I pick the dress up this Friday.

Over the last 6 weeks:

+I've lost 10 pounds exactly!
+Alterations has to take my dress in 2 inches!

To date it's been 4 months, 34 pounds lost, and I'm down 2 pant sizes!!!

Cheers to more where this came from!

All in good time

I'm feeling a little extra lonely lately. It could be because two of my closest friends are moving this summer. It could be that the recent visit from my mother has just ended. It could be that I haven't visited my family since Christmas. It could also be that I've been watching classic love stories all day long. There's just no telling. :)

I am feeling more anxiety than I ever have in regards to my future. I feel I have planned for and organized everything within my control for the next 5 years in regards to my education and my career. I am proud that I have discovered my true passion and I am thankful to have the opportunities that allow me to follow it. I am prepared and excited to reach those goals and to make new ones as I progress in my life.

Part of my anxiety stems from my passion and desire to have a family. I can't help but think that life never really begins until you find someone to share it with. I have been given the opportunity to discover myself and to perfect the person I am so that I am happy and healthy as I move forward in life. I have no doubt that things will fall into place for me - it's all just a matter of time. Patience is not something I have, but I am content that everything will come in due time. I have been working diligently on myself over the past year and I continue to discover, acknowledge and make sense of who I am and who I want to be, not just in general, but as a wife and possibly even as a mother. So many of my close friends and family are settling down and starting families that it's hard not to feel like I'm falling behind. I have to constantly remind myself that I am only 22 and it will come to me when I am ready. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm ready to be ready.

As much as I'd like to make changes to further develop my independence and to nurture the woman I want to become, I think staying put will be good for me. My life is constantly undergoing change and I don't think that's what I need right now. I need something solid, I need progress, I need accountability and stability - I need focus. In a nutshell, I don't want to move. Anywhere. I want to stay put and dig in my heels.

I realize I have more work to do, but I think it's time for a list. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment, otherwise I'm just an old maid.

+Solidify my faith by going to church, praying/meditating, making sense of the world around me from a spiritual perspective.
+Investigate and acknowledge my anger issues and work through it. It will not be a lifelong struggle for me.
+Begin writing my book about my journey of self discovery and my search for love.
+Continue to lead an active and healthy lifestyle. I want to try new things, be open, be adventurous and create, and continue to push myself to test my limits.
+Be green and help the environment.

I know every person in my life is here for a reason and will either teach me something or learn something from me. I have surrounded myself with beautiful, nurturing people and I have no doubt that I will get support from all of you. I appreciate every one of you and am thankful to have you in my life. I am lucky for knowing you. I hope you will still be with me when I accomplish all that I set out to accomplish and I wish the same for you in your life. I love you.

Tell me about the things you wish to accomplish in your life.

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Green!

I just watched Food, Inc. and although I will not become a vegetarian, I will become more interested and responsible for the foods I purchase and consume. I appreciate documentary's like this that make industry secrets available to the public. The truth is, we are supremely uneducated about so much of what we do on a daily basis and it's important that we know that something has to give and that it starts with me.

My list of sins:

-I have not recycled in a year and a half.

-I generally do not check to see if I'm buying local, organic, grass fed or cage free.

-I use more than my fair share of water and electricity.

-I create a lot of trash.

-I purchase produce from a grocery store year round and don't pay attention to what is in season.

My list of vows:

+I will use less water when washing dishes, washing my face, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, doing laundry and running the dishwasher.

+I will check for and purchase more local, organic, grass fed and cage free products, including products not tested on animals.

+I will contact my apartment complex manager and push the issue of making recycle available to residents of the complex.

+I will be more conscious of my electricity consumption. I am currently a Greenergy member of SMUD, where 100% of my electric bill comes from renewable energy resources such as sun, wind and water.

+I will consider creating my own urban compost or at the very least, use my garbage disposal for food scraps rather than my garbage in an effort to keep food out of the landfill.

+I will use and recommend cloth diapers for my family and for my future client's families as diapers make up the 3rd largest waste product in landfills.

+I will save my pennies for a bicylce and ride to the grocery store and library instead of driving.

I already use reusable water bottles; buy recycled products when possible; am a Greenergy member of SMUD, where 100% of my electric bill comes from renewable energy resources such as sun, wind and water; cook my own food and use reusable containers, thanks to my apartment complex I have energy star appliances and a water saving washing machine; I don't consume dairy products or wheat products which lessens the demand of land and resources to supply or transport those products (however, I do eat meat and they are fed grain which is transported); and I use the train when traveling instead of plane or car.

I did do a very basic calculation of my carbon footprint and I emit 22 tons of carbon dioxide every year. It is below the U.S. national average, but I will see what I can do to lower this.

How big is your carbon footprint: http://www.nature.org/initiatives/climatechange/calculator

Can it get any better?

Oh, how wonderful my life is. I hate to brag, but I have truly never been happier or more content.

Saturday brought me beautiful weather, a poolside BBQ, laughter, family and good friends, IKEA and a wonderful sleepover. Sunday started with a cup of coffee with a lovely lady, Tai Chi and a little yoga (note to self: lose more weight before trying yoga again - you looked dumb), planning and preparation for the week ahead and laying out by the pool in the sunshine with my girlfriends. Monday I leave for Quincy, CA to camp in Sammy's backyard which promises good fun, lots of laughter, adventures and excursions, 2 joyous little children and time with my "new family".

I am eagerly looking forward to my wine tasting party and am hoping my mom will be home by then. I haven't seen her in 3+ months and I just can't wait any longer. I am anxious for her to meet the new friends I have made recently and reconnect with the friends I've had. I love our talks immensely so I am planning a doozy for the two of us when she arrives home.

On the horizon is my brother's wedding and the bachelorette party! I have the honor of being a beautiful bridesmaid and I have been given the fantastic gift of walking with my beautiful baby niece down the aisle. I can't wait for her to grow up so we can be best of friends. She will love California and will visit often because we will have ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner, visit amusement parks often, build forts in the living room and I will buy her things her parents said she can't have. I can't wait to meet her because I know she will be an extension of me even though she isn't my daughter. I love Tory &Kelli for allowing me to meet and get to know her. I wouldn't mind another, guys. ;)